I’m too geeky for myself, too geeky…

The older I get, the more surprised I am over how things were different when I was younger and how I feel as an outsider in many many ways. This is part of closing in on the magic marker line of 30 years, seeing what my old schoolmates are doing in their lives, and looking at the social network I’ve built for myself.

I’ve referred to myself as the Invisible Pink Unicorn several times in past few years as sometimes I feel that I’m only figment of someone’s imagination and my existance is purely a matter of faith. And sometimes, when I look at my life from the perspective of others, it feels like I am an outsider. Sometimes when I blog, or change my status in Facebook, or twit or jaiku to the Internet, I wonder how many of my old schoolmates and childhood friends understand a word what I’m saying.

Silvia/Sivilla comparisonMany mobile phone pouches
Funny things I’ve noticed lately in my own life:

  • I carry O’Reilly GNU/Emacs Pocket Reference in my backpack, handbag, purse
  • I needed to take a picture of a yarn colour card for a friend. Since I know she’s as geek as I am, I decided to include my Emacs Pocket Reference and an Ubuntu Desktop 32-bit installation CD as colour references.
  • I think lambdacats are hilarious
  • When I was at Assembly Summer 2008, I bought myself an USB light… so I could crochet in the dark
  • One of the most beautiful and romantic gifts I’ve ever gotten from a male was my vanity domain myrtti.fi
  • I’ve knitted endless amounts of pouches for my mobile phones
  • OHMIGOD!
  • I think Basshunters “Boten Anna” is really a touching song… And Douglas Couplands Microserfs wonderfully romantic book…

But at the end of the day, I’m really confused. Sometimes it feels my gender and my intrests in the ICT world can’t be mixed. My jokes are sometimes sexist and biased (yes, I am blonde myself), but I can be insulted with sexist and biased jokes. Then again sometimes I feel incompetent with my miniscule skills with coding. Most of my schoolmates from elementary school probably know even less programming than I do. I feel like a traitor falling into the “traditional” pitfalls of Women in ICT, mastering documentation, translation, advocation and community work, not coding.

*sigh*
The Invisible Pink Unicorn…

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5 Responses to I’m too geeky for myself, too geeky…

  1. You can’t exist! There can only be ONE female on the internet who writes code and runs linux. ;-) j/k.

    “Then again sometimes I feel incompetent with my miniscule skills with coding.”

    I always feel like that, even when I know I can code better than most of my friends. I just try to make cool stuff. Isn’t that why people become coders after all?

  2. emmajane says:

    Invisible and pink? This is doable. So that means we need a button that has a cutout shape of a unicorn with pink fabric tacked onto the back? But definitely as a box shadow so that you can see that it’s just invisible AND pink. Process O’Reilly (erm magenta) for the pink? Or something more delicate?

    PS I completely understand. :)
    PPS Agreed about needing a light for crochet, but knitting socks can be done in the dark. No lights required. Unless you’re trying to turn a heel. That’s slightly more challenging.

  3. Paul Mellors says:

    ** BIG HUGS *** that is all :)

  4. Jussi Kekkonen says:

    Dear younger twinsister, you are not invisible, or just imagination, or then I’m still dreaming… seriously, you are wonderful person in many ways, all best wishes to you, we are not alone (:)

  5. Aw, don’t feel bad. I know exactly how you feel. Trying to balance girliness and geekiness is hard. It’s often easier to just pick one, even if that’s not really what you want.

    And you’re not a traitor. I do a lot more advocacy work than coding too. I also lack confidence in my coding abilities though I know I’ve a better grasp of it than most of my real life friends. It can be scary knowing that other people are going to see your code, and it adds pressure, but hey, working on it means getting practice and with time your skills will improve and then you don’t have to be embarrassed or afraid of others seeing what you type.

    /me hugs you